Don’t be mad at me, this is what naturally happens when someone’s heart gets broken. Yeah, some shut down, let it eat away at their unseen soul, hide the pain behind excuses, and fake smiles and laughter. Some go out and fuck someone else just to get over the feeling of their ex’s touch. Some stay in the relationship they were in when they started a new one. Maybe the feeling of an old love and security helps ease what pain you may be experiencing.
I’m not doing that, I don’t have that, and I want to deal with the pain now. Let it soak into my heart, let my soul ache, and let my tired body rest in sorrow. I am one who tackles everything head on, even heart break. It makes you stronger, wiser, and ready for the next thing in your life. Quick fixes and burying it all only creates a void, and emptiness that will never be fulfilled until you face it, with whomever that is at any given time.
When I think of you, I think of how I wasn’t good enough, or even worth the fight. It truly tears me down, strips my love to the core, because all this time I built myself up as someone you can’t live without, and clearly you can. I came up short, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out where I went wrong, and that is my battle to deal with.
I will miss your red hair all around me, your big smile that had me melt, I would have given you the world, my world, and any world you could have imagined. I will miss your kiss the most, the kiss that eased all worries, the kiss that felt like home to me. I will miss the way you felt, the way your skin felt, and how deep I could be with you, physically and mentally. I will miss the perverted sense of humor you have. Everything I miss I will still get to see when you speak to others.
It’s a torture that I’m struggling with. I choose not to bury it, hide it, and allow myself to push you out, whether you do or not, only you know that. Your silence speaks on your behalf I guess.
Where can I go now? What can I do now? Sitting on this jet watching the clouds race by, and all I can do is think of you. All this beauty and it’s dull to me. I should be excited to take my 1st solo trip ever, and I’m just whatever about it. Maybe something good will happen this weekend, and I’ll forget you for a few minutes. Not because I want too, but because you’re forcing me too.