Ghosts of what could have been run through my mind everyday. I battle with the happiness that was there, the little bit of joy we had before the lies became truth. She was leaving him, she told me with her own beautiful mouth. I wanted to believe her, so I told her I would treat her different, honest, and truthful, so I let the walls down, put the lie detector away, and let my heart take over.
It was amazing. Those short few months she was my everything, as I was hers. We talked everyday like a bunch of kids with nothing better to do than discover each other. She was kind, loving, flirty, and gave me attention. I gave it all back and then some, as this was the freest I had ever felt in a relationship.
Yes it was a forbbiden relationship, but she was leaving, she was out, and we were doing something pretty amazing together. The connection we had was electric, magnetic, explosive, any words that describe the bigness of what we had. Nothing could stop us, touch us, and we were winning.
As most fairy tales don’t go, the happy ending came with a resounding thud with her words. It was a blow to my heart I wasn’t ready for. My soul shuddered with sorrow, and my anger came back with a vengeance. The walls got thrown back up, the insecurity came back like an unwanted uncle at a Christmas party. Everything I took away, came back ten fold.
The fights I have with myself are some of the emotional filled battles I’ve ever had. I swallowed everything to prove to her I was exactly who she was looking for, but in the end she doesn’t see it that way. She has to take care of herself, and I have become an after-thought, a secondary person, well, a third or forth option when everything else or everyone else has been taken care of.
She has made it clear to me these last few months where she’s at with me, and it’s so low on her list that I don’t even factor in on weekends anymore. Weekdays have become hit or miss, and if she’s tired or sick, which is often, it’s a no go. I was slowly falling down the list, but it seems now I’m on the fast track to losing it all.