I have this deep within my soul. It is a demon that has planted himself deep, with strong roots, with years of growing, and taking over my life. I have tried to cut, trim, remove this seed of jealousy for so many years. It has been cut, it has been trimmed, but never removed. It can lie dormant for sometime, but when it comes back, it comes back like a horror story.
I truly hate this about myself, and when it happens, I feel it, I see it, and it takes over logic, and what comes out is a regrettable force of insanity. The worst feeling is not being able to control it. It’s like, a train wreck, you can’t look away, and you can’t derail this bitch! The wreck is coming, and I am powerless to stop it.
This has a dual edge for me, because for all the harm it has done, it has saved me from some true heart break. The problem is discerning which it is I’m doing, as it comes out of me with no apologies towards my intended target. I have lost a few great people in my life because of this, but it has also got rid of a lot bullshit in my life. People that just couldn’t be trusted, and my jealousy saved me from it.
I have trust issues, due to my past, but also because I don’t like to feel the pain of betrayal. It has run amuck in my life, in all facets, from family, to ex’s, friends, myself, it’s a shit show, and sometimes, a freak show. I really do hate this side of me.
I have a love I care so much about, and I am deathly afraid to lose it, that if anything comes near it, in any fashion, and I do mean any, I’m Godzilla all over China town, crushing and destroying everything in my path to protect what is dear to me. I’m not a fan, and neither are the people I’m around when I’m like this.
I have someone that, well, for the first time makes me instantly feel at ease about it. I’m not sure if it’s because I trust her wholly, or that she has a way of calming me down, OR I’m smart enough to know that she isn’t out to get me. I believe she doesn’t want to hurt me, and that is easy on my heart.
I apologize for the way I act, and I know that it’s an ugly part of me, but I’m not so in denial that I can’t see it for what it is. A weak attempt at trying to feel relevant in someone’s life, and or just as important as the last. I have been good, but sometimes, it gets the best of me, and it wins. I’m not a druggie, or an alcoholic, I’m not addicted to anything, but Jealousy is a mother fucker and can be worse than any substance.
I’m trying to fix me.