I usually eat a ton when I’m stressed out, but I have not eaten in 4 days. Not. One. Thing. I have drank a lot though, so that helps. Water, milk, redbull, beer, shots, and some vitamin water from time to time.
My stomach is in knots anyways, so might as well give it reasons to be. I am light headed a lot, but that’s only a few times a day. My lunch breaks at work consist of music, writing, and water. Filling up my stomach with emptiness. At least my heart and body will be on the same page.
I have found a new song to play on repeat a thousand times a day; I tell myself it’s therapeutic. I know things are bad, everyone can tell, and I guess I’m not really trying to hide it this time. Are you ok bro? Comes across the screen of my phone a few tines a day. Standard reply, It’s all good, just really busy….
They say ok, and move along knowing everything is ok with me. I appreciate it, and it is a comfort knowing some friends care about me. I’m selfish though, because it isn’t enough, and they are not the ones I want checking in on me.
I’m a fool, my heart is hopeless, and my brain won’t shut off. I have slept an hourish in those same four days I haven’t eaten. My body shakes all day, my heart aches, my head throbs, and it’s an experience I can’t escape.
I have to kill the time somehow, and kill the emotions I have, and I need to kill this invisible enemy called; useless. Thanks for the booster so many years ago dad, it’s been great.