Not tonight

I sit here starring at the screen of my phone in disbelief…. did that really just happen? Where the fuck did that come from? I can’t believe it, I don’t want to believe it. I didn’t start the fight, but yet I am the one she blames. I tried to empathize with her, and let her know I understand, and it back fired in my face. I didn’t mean what I said, and she thinks I have been holding in this big lie. She said I have never said that before, which isn’t true. I remember having a conversation about that very same thing sitting in her car one spring afternoon and sharing a moment together that explained the very thing I said tonight, but she doesn’t remember. Hell, I didn’t even give it a second thought because it’s not important to me.

I want to understand, I want to be patient, I want her to feel better about us. I have devoted a year of my life to her, waiting for her, and learning from her only to be belittled like a child for something I said, which I didn’t even mean.
I have showered her with my love, attention, and words, and now she’s easily removing me from her life over a misunderstanding. I’ve been there, and maybe it’s time I feel the same thing she’s felt.

Shit, I don’t know what to do. This distance between always defeats us, especially when we make things up to stress out about. I’m so sick right now. My hands are shaking, my head is spinning, and my stomach is churning and my soul is scared. What did I do that was so wrong that a whole year can just be washed away.

Looks like the sun wins again. 


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