Coming home…

I’ve come to realize that when you are in love, well, when you give your heart away willingly, you are going to want to be near it, often. It’s as if you want to look after it, be around it, and just feel happy when you are with it, or the person you gave it too. 

I find that I have been wanting that person more and more with this separation we have encountered. I long to be with my heart, my love, my woman, and because of certain circumstances, we are not able to be together. I also have found it easy to find reasons as to why one won’t come see me, or be apart of me when they really can. 

Is it fair to be that way? 

I don’t know logically, but my soul feels a bit torn about the lack of togetherness. When you love someone, you want to be with them, all the time, and experience everything that goes along with being in love. We are not able to do so, we are not able to just be us, as it isn’t allowed. So, when there is freedom to be us, and a choice can be made, I’m usually the one that loses out on it, and I have a hard time with that, emotionally, and logically. 

My math works like this – 
You + me = 💚
So why wouldn’t you want that?

Maybe her math is different, maybe her thought process isn’t of a loving heart, but a logical choice, not a malicious choice, just the way her brain works. 

Her math?

You + me = 💚 but I need to do this other stuff 1st, which makes you 2nd, or 3rd or whatever falls before us; which makes me feel left out. 

Is it wrong, no, but does it make me feel less important, yes. Now what do I do with that feeling? Do I keep swallowing the empty feelings? Do I keep suppressing the desire to say, hey, fuck all that other shit and come see me, or do I just say fuck it all and move on?

Only she really knows what’s going on in her heart, and if she’s unwilling to talk about it, express it, or open up to me, it will always be a mystery that is surrounded with question. No clearer now than when we started. 

I love her so damn much, and I feel that I can’t help myself, and will smother any flames she may have left for me in blanket of emptiness. 


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