Yes, she maybe choosing him, yes she may still love him, yes she has serious stuff to work out, yes she has been the best thing to happen to me in a very long time, and yes, I love her so very much.
What can I do now? I’m in a hopeless paradox. I’m to weak to leave, to strong to give up, and love is at the center of all of this. Never in my years have I felt so helpless, and yet remain so hopeful.
Is this what affairs are? I have been in this for quite some time, and we have an ebb and flow of emotions, insecurity, and serious doubt. Commitment and promises are never claimed, yet she just goes with it, and I’m 100% dedicated.
I joked with her the other day that next summer will be better, but I was as serious as a heart attack. I won’t put myself through that ever again. That was the worst torture I can ever remember putting myself through willingly. It was that hope that at the end, it would be worth it all, but here we are, still in this spot.
I am ready for love, especially with her, but I feel maybe she’s not and it’s not fair to push for her to do something she’s not ready for, really wants, or even is capable of. So, for me, holding my position on how I feel, where I’m at with us, and who I want is all I can do, and after all that, if she still can’t be with me alone, I will move on.
I will get to date again, I’ll be able to meet so many other woman, and have another chance at what I have with her, and that’s all I really want. But again, if not, dating… As exciting as that sounds, it makes me nervous too! I have been hit on and flirted with a lot these last few months, and it’s nice and all, but I’m not even engaging in that type of behavior, where normally I would. I finally know what love feels like and she means so much to me that I don’t want to fuck it up by even talking to those girls. I guess I’ll find out very soon if I still have it, if she doesn’t want it.
Lord have mercy on me if I’m single this summer and trying to get over her…