Retrace my steps…

I have bad days, and I take it out on no one, usually, because I don’t want anyone to feel as bad as I do on most days. I have issues. And as of lately I am more aware of them then I used to be. Mostly because of her is why I am fully aware. I don’t want to unload on to her, and I truly don’t want her to know the darkness inside of me. 

I had a freak out moment yesterday, and I know without a doubt I was an asshole, and it came out of me so easily, and so matter of fact like. I was dealing with a lot yesterday and add to that being at work with no type of release. She messaged me and I went off. My anger for the day would not allow me to stop as I typed the words. She responded and it went from there. 

After a while I knew I was overreacting and immediately felt bad, and just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. She actually understands me, she called me out, and loved on me at the same time. She handled me, she took it and made it right when I was in self-destruct mode. 

I gained a ton of respect for her as she dealt with me with what seemed like ease, or maybe it was my willingness to just be done with myself after her making sense of it all. 

I am hard to love. Emotionally charged, intense, passionate about the people I love, and sometimes my past eats away at my future, so it tears me up inside, and it gets away from me sometimes. I think I found someone that knows how to deal with it, help me, and is understanding rather than accusing and defensive all the time.

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