and for what??

Well, that was an awesome start to the day. Now almost night and I’m still dealing with it. And for what??? It only hurts me, and effects me. I can’t even move past it, like, a wall has been cemented in front of me, and that’s all I can see. Sure, it’s ‘nothing’ this time, but what about all the other times coming? Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Birthday, etc etc How much more am I going to die inside over this shit? Maybe it’s time. I can’t even think straight, and for what? It only effects me. It’s my problem, it’s my issue, and I can’t clear this one this time. 

My past dictates my future with this one unfortunately, and the stories I’ve heard, really don’t invoke confidence in any situation I’m not apart of, and again, I lose. I am not winning this one, and I’m pretty sure the loss will be greater than the problem. 

What do I do with a situation I have no control over, no say in, and could end up getting hurt by? Smile and wave? Grin and bear it? Cut all ties and begin to heal? When you don’t feel like you matter, or your worth it, or you’re a problem the fight becomes about what you can handle rather than what you can’t…

I’m really just dead right now. I’m not looking forward to things anymore. Today was supposed to be so great, and it’s the worst. I never wanted someone so badly that I can’t function when there’s something wrong. I used to be able to shut it all down, and say fuck it, but I just can’t do it with her. Trust me I’ve tried, and it fails. I let myself get hurt, and I think that’s the biggest issue I have, the hurt, I’m not ready for that again, and I think it’s what has to be done. Nothing is going to change and all I’m going to do is be the only one upset, the only one hurt, over and over again. Do I get further and further in with someone who can’t reciprocate the same feelings as me? Or is thinking about others, working things out, or doing life with them?? 

Am I just that unlovable?? 

Am I destined to be unhappy?

Am I so fucked inside that no one wants me?

Am I to stay forever lost?

Am I just to much for people?

Hell my own parents didn’t want me, why would a complete stranger? I’m so low right now, and for what? Just never destined to be who I am supposed to be, in love. No one will sacrifice like I do, no one will put me 1st, no one wants this love I have, it’s ugly, insecure, and worthless. 

I’m not perfect, thanks for reminding me how shitty of a person I was, err still am. 

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3 thoughts on “and for what??”

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