I think it’s easy for me to go right into anger and defense mode given my past. I hear it all the time from people when they discover my past, and what I rose up and out of; well you turned out great! If…they…even………knew.
I am not normal, far from it, I’m not perfect and that’s ok with me. I have shut down who I am so much that it escapes out of me at all the wrong times lately it seems. I get excited to see someone and get stupid playful when someone’s clearly working, concentrating, or just in a bad mood in general, and of course that never works out for me.
I am a very insecure person in relationships, and I know it stems from my past as most insecurities do. I struggle with self-worth in a relationship, especially when I feel that it’s not supposed to be happening, meaning she’s to hot for me. In most of my life I’m a confident person, I don’t care what people think and I am generally a happy dude. Put me in a relationship where my heart, mind, soul and body are involved; I become a shell of who I am.
I can truthfully say no one ever showed, taught me how to love in a relationship. Hell my dad was an abusive physical and verbal man. I was afraid of him most of my life, and now I just see how pathetic he really was, and still is. I had a mother that would barely hug me, and both were to involved with their lives that I truly was just in the way, a cause from an effect.
Not sure where this is going, I’m tired, cranky, lonely as fuck, and I am wishing I was anywhere with her. Hopefully I won’t annoy her to much tomorrow, I just want to be with her. A guy can dream I guess.