When you have huge love, and a huge personality it’s hard for many to take it all in, or even know how to process it. We explode into their lives and it’s exciting at first for them, because it’s like nothing they have ever had. They get swept up in the excitement, charisma, and emotions with the ride we bring.
The blessing and the problem with this is normal people tend to mellow out, or even become used to it and it tends to level out. Not with someone like me, it never levels off. I am a rollercoaster of excitement, a tornado of energy, and volcano of anger, and everything I do is full of LIFE. It’s had for people to take me in. The first impressions are wide and vary from “he’s an awesome dude” to “he’s a total asshole.” Both are probably 100% right. It all depends on the environment I am surrounded by at the time. I am very much my own person, and I own that, and wear that shit with pride.
Sometimes in relationships it can be hard for me, or them, mostly me because of my high emotional output and unstable insecurity when it comes to real, deep, passionate love. I can count on one hand, exclude three fingers how many times I’ve opened up like that, took a chance, and it is fucking intense, electric, and ends up in a huge fucking ball of flames… my fault, I can’t handle what I call the lack of ‘reciprocation’ of what I pour into. So I go into ‘they could give two shits about me’ mode and then it just gets very ugly from there on.
I’m currently in such a relationship, but instead of self-destructing this relationship like I’m totally capable of, I am learning how to cope with it. Of course it is already in the ‘she could give two shits mode’ for me, but I know that’s not fair to her, or to me. I love this girl more than anyone in my life, past or present, so I’m checking myself a lot. I have done something that is very hard for me to do… I have released my expectations on us, her, emotions, and time. I expect her to make time for me, never happens, I expect her to open up and tell me that I’m the one she wants to be with forever, never happens, I expect her to be where I’m at, and it won’t happen. So what do I do?? I release it. I do this to free myself from my own torture mostly, but to free up pressure/stress from me to her.
If she makes time, awesome, if she doesn’t, oh well, if she opens up and tells me I’m the one for her, fuck yeah, if not, it’s ok, and so on and so on. One of two things will happen, she’ll want that attention from me again, or she’ll move on. Either way, I’ll have my answer. I say this is the best case scenario for me, this way I don’t destroy the relationship because of my big, huge, gigantic personality, lined with insecurity.
I know my faults, and I am working hard on all of them… that’s what you do in a relationship. You don’t blame them, play mind games with them, ignore them…. no, you do what it takes to make it work, because that’s what LOVE is…