Cold black cloud…

So sad tonight, I hate that I am to be honest. I can be fine all day, and most nights, but sometimes when she talks about them, I can’t shake it. Once, I can handle that, but, the multiple we’s, us, together, all of us, we are going to bed… It fucking hurts. I know it shouldn’t, but it does. That’s her real relationship, and that’s how couples talk, we, us, together and all that. It’s routine I guess, but not for me. 

It really just eats at me I guess. That’s how my brain works, obsess much? The littlest things can become major in my head, and then fuck me if I say anything, and or try and get rid of those thoughts. It comes with years of abuse, neglect and a tremendous amount of mental aguish. It started from scratch, when I was young enough to remember, and that shit STILL fucks with me as an adult.

It’s hard for me to open up, be real, and let my heart take those jabs, unintentional or not. I am a hot mess when I love, because of my shitty past, I get all fucking tweaked about things. Then I have to remember that she’s not trying to hurt me on purpose like those in my past. 

Then I think, man, why can’t she think about how I feel with what she says?! I do it everyday. Then I am reminded not everyone processes quite like I do. My friend says that it’s common curtesy and I shouldn’t give her so many free passes. I just smile and say, I never used to give those ever, and I think I can give as many as I want because fuck me this is so real for me, and that’s how relationships work, even fucked up ones with others involved. It’s a torturous thing really.

My sadness of her and him being all cute over their newest member of their family, (not a kid) makes me jealous. Not because he helped her get it, but that he gets to see the joy she gets out it, the love she puts into it. I think maybe he’s oblivious to it, and that ease’s my jealousy, a little. I would be taking a thousand pictures, helping out, cuddling them all, and just be fucking happy. All dreams though, but again, dreaming is all I have had at moments in my life and they got me through.

Add the ‘family’ visits and there is a whole other dynamic that I have to try and ignore. The real relationship again comes back into my reality, and I sit by waiting my turn, like a dog waiting for scraps at the table or for a pat on the head. Stay! Good boy.

I am low tonight, after a shitty weekend for myself, just add the compound of the exciting things going on for them, it’s not a good time for me. But, being patient, being faithful, and being strong is what I have been clinging too. I know that she will be in my arms soon, and I will get to be with her, even if it is limited. Her long red hair, soft little lips, and smooth skin just makes me smile. She always asks ‘What?’ When she sees me smiling like a goober, and I say, I’m just happy. I just get lost when I’m with her, being in our moment, no distractions. 

So I am going to bed, I am going to sleep, and I will wake up tomorrow. While they go to bed, they go to sleep, and they wake up together tomorrow. No matter what, this time apart sucks. BUT, I mean, for real, I am learning about myself in a whole new way, and I don’t mind who I’m becoming. 


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