When does healing begin?

I can’t find the perfect song anymore. I have gone through all my shazams, downloads, spotify, and various music spots. I am at a lost for true words that will strike home for her. I love so many songs that say exactly what I feel, but fuck me there isn’t just one. 

I am so sad, I just want her here with me. I want to see her face, I am out of my mind… is this how it’s going to be?!? I’m in for some long nights. If she called me tomorrow I’d answer the phone with such excitement and stupidity, as if I have nothing better to do but wait for her to call… but she won’t, as she is stubborn as the day is long, as if that proves anything but being an ass.

I hear Gold by Ashley Sophia and it is such a painful loving song and it hits me right. I can’t escape this emo side of me, and to be honest not sure I want too. It feels right to allow the pain take over, let it sink in, build a memory so if I ever fall in love again I know what the pain will be like, is it worth the risk? Who am I kidding, I have a big heart, and with that comes big pain.

Unlike her, shuts me out, shuts me down, and somehow I’m the asshole?!? I guess, maybe I am. I did want her all to myself, and well, she wasn’t having it, nor did she ask for it. The mixed messages of needing a love, then not needing anything, then being sweet and mushy, then saying she’s not that kind of girl… hard to keep up. 

I am just fucking torn up, my thoughts are jumbled up, can’t separate anger from sadness, clarity from insanity, she was my girl, she was my forever, and I just wasn’t hers. I will bleed out my emotions day by day, and hopefully, eventually, they will be replaced with something better, new thoughts to have, new ideas to explore, new love to be open too. Until then, I’ll just sit here and breathe.

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