Breathe You In – was my song, it was the song I listened to everyday because I wanted to believe that it was going to be us. I had faith, as you put it, in us, and I clung to that song as an anthem, a battle cry, a future, anything that helped me through whatever it was I was feeling.
I haven’t listened to that song in almost two weeks now. Why? I’m not sure really. I think it has to do with the lies I was feeding myself. This disillusioned notion that I was somehow going to will this to happen for us. I put too much of me in a hope that is a 1% chance. As if I’m Jim Carrey’s character ‘Lloyd Christmas’ in the movie Dumb and Dumber – What is the chance of a girl like you, being with boy like me? – Uh, one and a million chance… – So you’re saying there’s still a chance?? YESSSSSS…. yeah….
I have been going through a whirlwind of emotion lately and I was wondering why the fuck that was. I think I finally figured that shit out the other night. I was trying to be myself while being someone else, and that shit doesn’t work for me. I am always evolving, learning, and changing things about me to be a better man, a better lover, friend, etc etc. What I haven’t been able to be is myself… truer words have never been spoken.
I mean, I am myself-ish, but way dialed back, way muted, way not me. I haven’t been able to be me at 100 around anyone for longer than a few hours let alone days, let alone months, etc.. I am always having to adjust me according to others as to not annoy them, scare them, piss them off, etc etc. I want people around, I love people, so I have to whoa it up.
My jokes, or things I think are funny tend to upset others. It’s more of me ripping on myself, but somehow it gets twisted and they feel like it’s an attack on them. I always make sure I can take humility, and not be prideful. I live better when I realize that life doesn’t need to be so serious all the time, and silly things don’t need so much negative attention.
So, stopped listening to that song and my life has become already different, a lot less focused on this one thing that has a slim chance happening. I needed to free myself from myself. She is living her life, doing things, hanging out, going places, and doing it well. I can barely function when I’m away from her, and can’t stop looking at my phone so I don’t miss a single message from her.
I would drop everything to be with her, and she can’t say the same thing. We are different people, we are in different places within the relationship, and I need to slow way down, and maybe, hopefully, faithfully, she’ll catch up to me. If she wants me, she’ll make it work, if not, then I’ll have my answer.
I can’t chase some one who doesn’t run.