Where do I go?

I can’t do it, any of it. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to hurt. I am in such a funk that it’s hard to see if I’m coming or going. Let me try and torture myself a little bit with good memories, maybe remembering the good will help deal with the bad.

I told her to meet me at parking lot out in the country where they ride bikes. She said she would, but I know she was tired, as she always is working the hours she works. I was excited to see her. I had a plan, a country boy plan. 

I packed up my sleeping bag, threw some country music in a playlist and headed to the spot. I got there a while before her and set up the bed of the truck. I unfolded the sleeping bag, and laid it out across the bed. I put the flannel side up so when we laid down on it, it would be cozy. The breeze was warm for May, and the stars were so bright, this could not be more perfect. No bugs, come on now!! Like it was meant to be.

She finally left work and met me up at the spot. She was tired, it was clear when she stepped out of her car. What is this? She asked referring to me being in the back of the truck. I took her hand and helped her into the back. She laid right down on me. She put her head right on my shoulder as she wrapped her right arm over my chest. She laid there quietly for a minute and I could feel her release the days problems, and settle into me. It was pretty much the best feeling to me that she was that comfortable already. 

We gazed at the stars with a soft background of country music. She spoke first, the stars are really bright. I agreed and looked at her and gave her a deep passionate kiss. She gave me one right back. She moved over me a little bit to get a better position on my lips. She took my hat off, and rubbed my arm as we kept kissing. 

We mad love under a blanket of stars, and in the outdoors, and it was one of the most special times I’ve ever had. She was amazing as always, felt great to be next her, feel her warm body next to mine. We snuggled up and laid there basking in the glow of our love. She was amazing, and always ready to please me in whatever way she could.

These memories are what will haunt me for awhile, as I know we probably won’t make any more. I am so heart broken, I truly can’t express that any better way than that. If someone came and stabbed me in my heart, it would be a sweet release from the pain of loss. 

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