I’m sitting at a party with about 40 people, listening to live music from a concert at the local fair. I’m in a chair, in front of a fire, and all I can think about is her. It’s sad really, as I know it’s not being reciprocated. I’m getting hit on by some pretty girls, but they are immediately shut down because I’m in love with her. I am a moron. She’s having fun, probably having a blast actually. I have had little to no conversation with her today, and it’s fucking torture. She’s partying with her man, her mans friends, and some other people, in a beautiful place.
I am not sure what to do at this point anymore. Do I shut the door to this one time love? My unicorn basically. Am I ready to let her free, and battle the demons that will come once she’s gone? My heart seems to be preparing, my brain is almost there, but my soul is still hopeful. Battling four days has proven detrimental to me in the past, but these four days have just been eye opening. I see where I stack up when a good time and drinking is being had.
I know she tried to keep me in the loop and making me feel like I’m apart of her adventure. But now, these last two days not so much. Short answers, shorts talks, and I’m not sure if it’s because she’s drunk, or someone else showed up she wants to give her attention too?! Too many unknowns for me to speculate, and I’ve really just had enough.
You don’t treat someone you supposedly love like this, regardless of the situation. I’m getting more and more pissed off, and that’s just not how I want to be spending my time thinking of someone, especially when I love them, but what is my love really? To her? I don’t even know anymore.
I guess in the end, why does it matter? She’s fucking selfish as fuck, and I’m the bad guy every time. I guess I am selfish too, because I want her, lover her, need her, and miss her. You can’t force someone to love you, or treat you right, or even good all the time.
I just realize that, there is a world full of women that want my love, want my attention, want my passion for everything, would find me desirable all the time, not just when it’s convenient, or when they are at work. Fuck it. You win. You have pushed me away just enough now. The white flag is up, and I’m walking away slowly.
I hate it, but there isn’t one more fucking thing I can do about it. I can’t force change, and if that’s what it takes, then that’s not love. You don’t love me, you love the thought of me.