Called on the count of indecision.

As I lay here in this lonely hotel bed listening to my best friend snore his face off I am reminded of what I am truly missing out on… I have been wrestling with what to do with my current relationship. It’s a complicated one like I said in previous posts, and well, it’s not getting any easier these last few months.

I made a declaration that I would be making decisions by the end of September if others in my life hadn’t made theirs. It’s looking like I’ll be making those decisions myself after all. I’m seeing that this is the road I’m headed down. I thought maybe something would have changed, but it’s glaringly obvious that I’m going to lose again. After all that I have given, all that I’ve done, I find that it’s not good enough, not going to be what my dreams are, but I guess that’s why they call them dreams.

Yeah, it’s good, and great while we’re together and nothing feels more real than that, but for her, it may not be what she wanted after all. She’s happy with him, or happy enough to stay. I guess I don’t blame her, it is after all the one she has loved the most and longest in her life. They’ve built up a life together, and sure times can get hard and stressful, but I think she realizes now more than ever, it’s where she needed to be all along.

I know what she says about how she really feels and I believe her, but in the end, we all know action speaks louder than words, so cliche but so true. So with that, I will be moving on. I’ve waited as long as I could, tried as hard as I could, and without any type of light at the end of the tunnel, I shall turn around and walk back out of the tunnel. 

I am not going to stay in 2nd place anymore. I spent most of my life there, so I know the feeling well, almost comfortable, but numbing. I am stricken with such sadness at the overwhelming feeling of being set aside, and or passed over that I have just become dead inside. I truly just don’t feel anything but sorrow, and yes while that is a feeling, it’s not life. 

She is the greatest love I’ve ever known, but it’s my greatest love, and mine alone. My heart is devastated and my soul moans with great sadness. I don’t even care how emo and cheesy this sounds because sorrow has no shame, nor worry. I know the pain of missing her will be great, but not as painful as watching her choose someone else over and over again. 

I know there are a few other reasons this probably wouldn’t work out in the end. I know me, I know what I’m capable of letting go of, and what would be a crippling relationship deal breaker. But in the end what does it matter? She isn’t choosing me, so leaving a dead end relationship is the only option.

Heart break is real.


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