Winning the loss.

Up and down, here we go. The ride has been a lot of fun, but it has become worn out and I am tired. I am torn the fuck up about this. I have been smashed to reality once again. I will never win, I will never fucking win. I am angry, I am sad, I am devastated, and for what? All undone by my own admission to love. I have never let anyone in that close ever before, and I threw commonsense out the door, abandoned all grasp of truth, and let my fucking heart take over. What a fucking idiot I am…

Why. There is no truth anymore, there is no screams that can drown out the breaking sound of my soul. I am brought to my knees, and this is not a bruise, this is an out right murder to my heart. I am who I am. I’m not a machine, I am not perfect, but I am willing, loving, and have a never ending supply of love.

I am only human, and I could use a hand sometimes… Lies… 

Where are you now? Where is that girl, err woman, I fell in love with? Did you kick her ass and send her packing? Now stands in front of me a scared little girl, who is afraid of something real. Well, if you want to go back into that rut you were in when I came along, then so be it. It seems like you prefer the silence and neglect of others, so have it. 

Feel me when I say, you will regret this, you will wish you could have been real with me, could have been free with me, but instead you cling to what you think is real, and well, winter is coming, so you might as well as cover up with whatever it is you’re clinging too.  

You win. You shoved me away, again, and here I am wondering why. I just don’t understand, and maybe that’s just the way it’s supposed to be. Maybe I am always to have a piece of that elusive happiness, never to be allowed to be in love, never allowed to be me, or maybe I’m never going to be accepted as good for someone, or worthy. Maybe all this man over here isn’t really anything special. 

I am sad, hurt, all mushy and shit. I have feelings, fuck it, guess it’s time to start drinking, maybe then I’ll be just numb enough to shut it all down and say fuck it.


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