Rabbit trails

Because I’m broken when you’re gone away. I don’t feel right when you’re not here. I steal what I can when we are together, and cash it in when you’re gone. I am lonesome when you’re somewhere else, and I feel left out. When we are together, every lines up, and we blend into one. 

I wrote that above today, and it’s a little weird, but I dig it. I think it just represents when she’s gone, I’m not whole. I mean, the clichĂ© is, you complete me, and well, damn it she does! What am I supposed to do with that??! She completes me… Ugh, I’m sooooo lame!!! Can’t I create something better than that? Thank you Hollywood for ruining EVERYTHING!! Stupid Jerry Maguire!!! I much prefer Jack Nicholson’s line in As Good As It Gets, “You make me want to be a better man” Doooooood… So badass! Make’s chicks hearts melt everywhere and you don’t come off as emo douchey. ‘This guy’

I want to find the words to explain what she does to me by being with me. How I feel when she’s around, and what I want to do when I’m with her. I know this can all end tomorrow, but why focus on the negative alllll the time. Embrace the dark side when I need too, not manifest it. I’ve been such a negatron for so long, I forgot what it is like to be a positron… Hehe nerd talk. She’s got a lot of fun things coming up that would normally put me in a panic, but, I am surprisingly fine with it. Even with the potential that we may not even be able to talk while she’s gone… *swallows lump in throat*

This is what she does to me, I am calm, and I trust her, probably the first girl I have ever trusted in my life. It has become clear to me that something I don’t want to happen, may happen, but I trust that she will tell me if it does. I think that’s my biggest fear, her not telling me that she went back to him. I know, yes, him. It’s complicated… I have a her, but she has been told that things will be changing for us soon. There is no working on it, giving it an honest try. I know I’m dead inside when it comes to us, and I have given try after try, to no avail. So, this couch holds me at night.

This post has taken me on a strange road… It’s crazy to think about though. Total freedom, total us, and what that may look like. She said the other day, Hey, you may end up hating me. I laughed. She said, you may hate the way I live or something to that effect. I shook my head. I thought to my myself, if you only knew what I have put up with in my life, living with her would he a cake walk. 

Plus, I have learned something about myself that I am proud of! I usually look for things that will annoy me, and maybe be a deal breaker, or at least something that will make me realize that this person is only temporary. A real shitty way to be. With her though, I am not looking, and it’s not like there isn’t something there to pick apart. I am just able to look past those things to save myself from missing out on a truly amazing person. What are her faults?? Only one I can think of is she’s not here with me right now!!!
To wrap this up, she is my center, and she has my heart, and there is no other way I want it. If it isn’t her, it isn’t right. Love her so much. 

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