So sad today. I have been trying so hard to play the good man. I have so much love, and it has to be locked up. I’m half the man I am supposed to be, and half the love I can give. It’s the way it’s supposed to be, she’s doing her thing with him, and she’s just going through the motions. I’m sure she’s sharing more than just a conversation with him. It makes me sick, and I have no room to say anything.
The “I love you” was met with silence for the first time last night, and it cut me pretty good. We always say it to each other before we say good-bye, or good night, and she said nothing. I want to scream, I want to cry, I just want to melt into a puddle of sadness. But I can’t. I can’t say how I really feel, or what I really think. I don’t have the right anymore after Friday. I guess I am the ogre that expects to much, or pushes to hard.
I am new to all of this, new to this balance of love and distance. I’m not sure what happened, or what she thinks anymore. She is short, cold, and pushes me into the friend zone. Casual conversation, light-hearted stories, and blah like emotions. She has shut me out, and she may just be shutting us down now. Which sucks the life right out of my soul. I have never been so off from who I am than I am right now in these trying moments.
I want to crawl up next to her and hold her and tell her it’s going to work out. I want to remove the doubt from her mind, ease her thoughts about what’s real and what’s made up. I want to take her hand in mine and walk with her through all the trouble she’s going through, and will face.
I can’t, she needs to walk through her thoughts, work through her feelings, and she needs to decide on what path her heart really wants, even if it isn’t me. I don’t want to influence her, sway her thoughts away from anything she wants or needs. He may be the one for her, and she may finally see it, she has been building a life with him, and maybe I was just the mistake she needed to make to realize he’s the one after all.
Some need to do the freakout thing because life seems like it’s closing down on them, so they sidestep the impending doom of life, just to realize that impending doom was exactly what they wanted all along.
Unfortunately for me, This sidestep had an earth shattering effect on my world. Love came in so hard, so real, and turned me into a whole new man. The passion was real, the love was amazing, and my heart has been changed, opened up, and full of her. Now, I’m left with all this love for her, and I can’t even use it, give it away, or throw it away… She has moved on, and has been able to shut it down, and I have been the king of shutting it off, but I can’t shut this love out, and to be honest, nor do I want too. I can get used to this type of love, yes the pain is real, and the hurt is crippling, but remembering the good love is still life changing.