Aftermath

Relationships are a lot of things, and recovering from a fallout is one of those game changers, or enh. I say this because fallouts can vary from just a stupid misunderstanding to a relationship ending conversation. 

I hate fighting with my love with a passion. I grew up in a house of hate, violence, and I grew up with fists of hate. I found a better path along the way, and swore to never go back to that life. I have no sense about me when it comes to anger, and it’s an ugly feeling, and changes me to a much bigger asshole than I pretend to be.

When she and I get into fights it feels different than any other relationship type of fight I’ve ever been in. I feel… I feel like I want the fight to be over, and to just want to move on and be back in love. I am blind to my own feelings sometimes and just want to lift her up, and say, you deserve better than this, I’m going to shut up now. It’s a bizarre concept for me, to allow myself to feel something other than anger. 

I’ve never been the kind to just let it go, nope, not me. I’m the, “I’ll fucking show you” or “Once she sees I’m right, then I’ll do the happy dance right on her face” guy… I always have to be right, be convicted, and to make sure I am the clear winner. Over all, I needed to make sure I kept whoever it was down, beneath me. 

With her, I try and default just to see if I’m being a gigantic pussy about things, but to no avail. I honestly feel like I’m wrong, even when I know in my heart I’m not. I see her struggle, and I see her want to move on from our fight, the pain in her face tells me so. 

I found myself in a place I had never been in before. We had just basically broke up, and in an instant, I was brought back to default, save yourself and your heart, mode. I blocked her on every platform possible… I was devastated for lack of a better word. This real love, this complicated, arduous, unplanned, best thing that has ever happened to my love, was ripped from my chest. 

So I went a full day, not 24 hours full day, but a full enough day to me where I didn’t hear one word from her and it killed me. We talk everyday, all hours and the conversation has been the best I’ve ever had. Always so much to talk about, from past, present, future, to work, life, etc etc, we talked about it all. So not having her there to share a thought, a picture, a stolen moment was crippling. She is my everything, and not having her there, I never want that again.

My will was strong, but my heart was the weakest it has ever been. It finally snapped, my head went straight, and my eyes were cleansed of the warped veil I had put there. I was so buried in my own problems, I never saw her struggle, her pain. I had all but forgotten what she may be struggling with herself. I knew how wrong I was for the way I acted. I unblocked and checked for any signs of anger, nothing. She’s so paitent. I sent her a message asking for forgiveness and hopefully I could give her a full explanation. As luck would have it, she forgave me and restored everything back, but as with all fights, things changed. She isn’t as fuller with her words, the conversation is short in length, and the wait to talk is longer. I am sorry to say that this maybe the worst part. I will miss her.

The aftermath of every fight will leave some kind of mark on each of you, and depending on the fight, the mark may be to far gone to bring back, and you can only hope to repair what has been broken. 

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