Clarity…

I finally have some. I have been so submerged into all my murky shit that I was blind to the damage I was causing myself. It’s easy to get mired up into your problems, how you feel, how it effects you, and poor me… But you never, or very rarely think about anyone else let alone anything else. The negative has a tight grip on us, and it skews our thoughts, our idea’s, our dreams, and for sure our life.

Today was especially hard for me, because the one I love has been pulling away for quite some time, and I couldn’t understand why. Yes I was a tad off and a needy little bitch, but nothing that I thought would make her pull away. We saw each other for the first time in a while, like face to face, and I needed to ask questions, and needed to get answers… Well I got the answers, and of course it was what I feared. And I may have had an epic meltdown after the fact, but something great came out of it.

As I was battling my job all day long, I couldn’t get over how hurt, pissed – no, enraged I was throughout most of the day. I played the heaviest music, the most jaded lyrics, and all about back stabbing bitches… Yes, I do have an emotional side. I’ll discuss that in other blogs. So, through all of that there was a nagging feeling that as much as I was hurting, angry, and or thinking of evil plotting revenge, I knew it wasn’t right, that something was still off, but I needed to process this rage out of me.

I had a zillion things I wanted to say to her, so many good lines, so many digs, so many fuck you’s!!!!! But in the end I knew it was wrong, and that it would only make me feel better for a few hours and hurt us both for an eternity. So, I did what I do best, removed myself from myself. 

You’re probably like, huh? It was something I learned to do as a kid, and can continue to do this as an adult with razor like precision. The old on/off switch I call it. I shut my emotions off to become a calculated thinker, hider, runner, etc for anything I need to change in a moment. 

As I left work I messaged something to her that I think she needed to here, and as soon as I said it, I felt vindicated, why, I don’t know. But I was 100% clear after that. Everything snapped back into place, perspective came back, and I saw the situation anew. I smiled an honest smile for the first time that entire day. 

I know now that doing this saved our relationship. Had I continued down that road of destruction, it would have gotten redneck crazy up in here. I love her with all my heart, and being mad and holding it against her was and will never be an option for me.

I removed myself from myself, and it became clearer. I saw the end goal, and the shit that’s in between now and the end goal, are supposed to be hard, are going to challenge, and they will test us like nothing else has. I feel, if we want it, it will happen, and if one of us doesn’t, well that’s just a product of relationship strength. 

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